Updated: Apr 27, 2021
I got married on July 23, 2019. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. I was getting ready to head to city hall it was pouring so bad outside and it almost felt like my soul was crying and trying to convince me not to do this. I was scared but I felt it was too late to turn back. Deep down I knew I was making a mistake, but he seemed secure with the decision and I thought maybe I am just having cold feet jitters; it'll go away. My ex proposed to me during an argument after I had discovered he was still somewhat involved with his ex-girlfriend (Yup, I married him anyway). He was eager to have a child with me and I had made up my mind on not having any more children outside of marriage because I felt I did not give my daughter Jaelynn the life she deserved and I refused to put another child through the emotional roller coaster she has had to experience. No, marriage does not guarantee a healthy family dynamic but to me, at this point in my life it is a foundation to start with and it establishes that commitment. His way of securing a child was entering into a marriage with me which now that I think about it was not a good enough reason to make such a huge commitment.
After I said I do I felt defeated and I cried when I got back home but I was determined to make my marriage work and let go of the fear I was feeling. Besides we had planned a get-together with our families to celebrate our union since neither one of us wanted a wedding so I had to push that fear to the side and go on with my life. On the day of our marriage celebration, which was a month after we got married, I found out I was pregnant and although I was still unsure about him, I felt such an immense joy to discover I would be a mom again. I told our families at our celebration because I could not contain my joy. The news changed the mood because before that his family was really upset since he was missing for most of the day and did not really get to celebrate or help organize anything for our wedding celebration. We all had something amazing to look forward to and I honestly could not wait to have my baby in my arms.
The night before my ultrasound I was looking at pictures of my dad whose death anniversary was that day. My ex still had not fully moved in with me and he decided not to come that night although I had told him we had an ultrasound appointment in the morning. That night I got on my knees and just vented to God. I was sad and trying to contain my tears so my daughter would not hear me cry. I asked God that night not to allow my baby to make it on earth if the story would repeat itself. I did not care to be a single mother again, but I did not want another child of mine to grow up without his or her dad at home. I got back on my feet after praying and felt a sense of peace. I went to sleep and texted him to remind him of our appointment in which he responded ok. I got to the hospital parking lot and just sat in my car playing with my wedding ring in hopes that he would make it, but he was nowhere to be found. I mustered up some courage and I went inside. I was right away put into the ultrasound room; I laid down excited to see my baby but to my surprise, my baby looked lifeless and the heart was not moving. I remember telling the radiologist, wow my baby looks kind of small I am 11 weeks. The radiologist left the room for 15 minutes which felt like hours and came to me saying “I am sorry, but the baby no longer has a heartbeat”. I felt like someone hit me with a bag of bricks and knocked the air out of my lungs. The radiologist gave me water and said I can stay in the room for as long as I need. I called my cousin and just cried. I asked God to spare my child from abandonment but I wanted my baby and I had to sit in a room and see my baby floating without any movement on a screen while his or her father was living his best life. The radiologist kept the image available to me and all I can see is my failures. I honestly felt like I killed my baby. Telling my family our new bundle of joy was not going to arrive in May 2020 was hard and still something they are sad about. I told him and his family via text but I did not hear from him till 2 days later which was the day of my D&C procedure. I had to have the baby surgically removed since it was not a full miscarriage. I had my cousin come with me since I was not going to be able to drive after the procedure due to the anesthesia.
Marriage was no longer something I felt we can do. He seemed very apologetic, but I lost desire, respect, and willingness after having to do that by myself and to later discover he was unfaithful was extremely hurtful and degrading. I am a 33 year old woman the last thing I need is a sexually transmitted disease/infection especially one that I could not cure due to his promiscuous behavior. Marriage can withstand many storms and it will often challenge you in ways you never thought were possible, but it was never intended for you to do it alone. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any stage of my relationships and I have walked away when my partner is entertaining me and someone else. I will always say never pick me if you are unsure because love is not doubtful. A man or woman that loves and respects you will never want to destroy you.
I ended my marriage by getting an annulment which voids that marriage meaning it “never happened” due to certain legal options I had. Before our court date, I went away to two different countries to find myself again. I left insecure from the many verbal insults, I left fearful, ashamed, and feeling extremely stupid but I came back feeling whole, ready, and eager to become what God needed me to be. Being a wife and a mother again was not something I was yet ready to consider but I knew I needed to overcome this and forgive him as well as myself. Once our annulment was final, I changed my number and began my journey as a published author, I worked with a life coach to heal from past traumas and began to understand why I had accepted that type of relationship and other relationships I had. I understood the responsibility I had in the situation and I learned to value my importance.
Starting over after a failed marriage is difficult and scary. You lose trust in humanity and do not want to continue to experience pain. You feel like you cannot fully trust again and of course, you feel like everyone is judging you and mocking your pain but I am here to tell you failure is not an option when it comes to God’s glory. Walking away from what He did not ordain is not only incredibly powerful, but it is required. You will overcome and look back without feeling angry or disappointed but first, you must surrender to forgiveness. Miracles are guided by His spirit daily and He will bless you when the time is right. Losing a child at any stage is incredibly difficult and often with miscarriages, we like to blame ourselves for not "keeping our baby alive" but we fail to understand many factors that play a part in the development of that baby and nothing you could have done differently would have prevented what occurred. If you need reassurance (IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT). Yes, starting over is difficult but start over by healing, forgiving, and loving you; you deserve it! The person God intended for you will come when He needs him to. He will complete the side of you that needs completion so while on earth your union can become one bonded by His love.