Final Blog
The biggest lesson marriage has taught me is that grieving the old you is normal. I have been married for three years to a man I value, respect, and truly care for. My past relationships were often one sided but never truly challenged me. I could walk away without feeling like I ever lost myself in those relationships. Any ending of a relationship is disappointing, but most times when you are in the wrong relationship you are waiting for the shoe to drop. What is not often discussed is what happens when you do find your person in the stage you are in, and the different phases you are going to face.
When I first met my husband, we were inseparable and we still are, but we were in a honeymoon stage. I was eager to learn more about him and I was extremely attracted to the father side of him. When we went on dates I felt at peace and important to him. It felt beautiful and exciting. I realized that my definition of protection was socially constructed to believe I needed a man who would fight in public if needed, instead of a man who would never put me in harms way to begin with.
Once we became pregnant my mood shifted from honeymoon to protectiveness of my family. I was dealing with a high-risk pregnancy and the responsibilities that come with being someone’s wife. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I would often go into hibernation and would not want to go on dates which was frustrating to my husband. I felt he was selfish for not understanding I was dealing with a lot including my sister’s hospitalization. What I did not realize was I did not vocalize my shift, so he was still in the honeymoon stage.
Giving birth to our son was extremely traumatic. I went into postpartum depression and was dealing with PTSD from my health condition to the false diagnosis given to our son after birth. I refused to take any medications as I believe in natural remedies. I would cry and require my husband never to leave my side because I felt I was going to die. I was beginning to see things about him I did not like. I began to miss the old me. I missed my life before marriage, and I was eager to get back to “normal” or what seemed normal to me.
Before I met my husband, I was independent and for the most part, I still am. I was getting ready to get back to school, my career was growing, I was publishing my first book, I owned my own home, I was traveling, and I was healing emotionally and mentally. I felt physically healthy and was very consistent with my workout plan. I thought I was no longer that girl and I missed her. I missed not having to compromise or make plans that fit a baby's schedule. I can see my daughter feeling like she lost her mom, and it was difficult for me to see that. I was grieving and it was hard for me to recognize that the girl I was for 14+ years had to go to welcome the woman I was becoming.
I have decided to welcome this new woman while knowing that I have never lost the essence of the girl I am. No longer dealing with postpartum allowed me to see things clearly as well. I love being a wife and mom; I cannot see my life in the future without the family God blessed me with. This new woman completed a public health degree and landed a job in the Department of Public Health after being laid off while being a mom and wife. I realized I was prepared to take on multiple responsibilities, but I was also scared because my life for a long time only involved my daughter, my sister, and my mom. I learned with this woman the importance of vocalizing my needs as well as giving myself grace without wanting to rush everything in life. I learned the importance of partnership and not needing to do everything myself. Grieving the old me is normal and it is expected.
If you are not grounded in who you are it is easy to run away from grief without considering how strong you will come out if you allow this moment to happen within your marriage. It is important to know it will end with you becoming a stronger woman and wife.
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