Updated: Aug 25, 2020
Week 6 we made it coach! WOW! This has been a beautiful journey. A journey that has been extremely life-changing and beyond challenging. This week I have had experiences that in one way or another welcomed the beginning of a new path for me. I have been forced to leave it all behind without looking back. I in a way put the child in me to rest knowing that the fight continues but she has the older me who is wiser and is standing up for her.
Am I scared? yes, but will I give up? no. The child in me never had a voice, she was pleaser who lived in fear and wanted to be loved and protected. She was a dreamer who often dreamed about living in the suburbs in a two-parent home. A place where she was not touched or destroyed, she wanted to tell stories on tv or paper so people can see the true emotions of unspoken words. She would often become what the other person needed forgetting about what her heart dreamed of. She could not always play outside because the responsibilities called her name and she feared commitment because it seemed to be marked with blood. The woman that stands today spoke up and not only to those she loves but to the world. She spoke up and finally heard her OWN voice. It was not a voice that can be intimidated or controlled. It is a voice with power. A voice that has depth but cannot be heard if listening with ears attached to a blank head. Am I healed in 6 weeks? no, but have I been released from 29 years of bondage? yes.
We went back today to my chart and you asked me again to rate important aspects of my life on a scale of 1- 10 I have finally moved my pie up in a way where it is almost balanced. I smiled when I heard the numbers, I had vs the numbers I have today. Week 1 I honestly did not think any of this was possible. In a way, the pie represents my life I have been walking slowly in a thin line leaning heavily on one side now the line seems to have a thickness for my protection and I can balance without leaning to the extreme on the other side of desperation.
I know this is going to be a very long trip filled with tough hills and mountains. I am not going to lie I am sitting here crying while I am writing this. Although my inner child is free, I do fear taking on this journey without knowing I can lean on you if I need to detox from the week I had. On the other hand, another side of me has hiking boots on and has them on tight ready to embrace freedom.
Thank you, Alba, for listening to God when he asked you to connect with me. He helped you save my life and I was able to see His grace and mercy via your coaching. I forgive my abusers because it is possible, they had to live the same abuse I lived. I forgive my mom because she was doing her best while life kept bringing her to her knees in tears. I forgive my father because he did not know how to deal with anger. I forgive my family because they did what they thought was right. I forgive Jaelynn’s father because what we created surpasses anger. I forgive those who hurt me and I pray those who I hurt can forgive me too. I forgive those who hurt me because my heart was not made to carry resentment. I am learning to forgive me because God made no mistakes when he made me.
The vision statement you send me states: “You are liberated and at peace! You have forgiven yourself and are able to reflect that forgiveness easily and naturally unto others. Because you have taken the time to heal and fall in love with yourself, today you are safe, and you are secure.”
I finally believe it!