This past weekend was beautiful and difficult for me. I felt like I finally opened my mind to accept things for what they are without attempting to run, hide, or close my heart from it. I was shocked at how my expectations reversed in a sense where I thought I would find the most peace is where I felt the most uncomfortable. You explained to me where I felt uncomfortable was where the mirror of feeling unworthy was and I have to fix that within to find my peace. My ego tells me no! not in a million years will ever be any of them but the reality is my ego and fear is why I continue to run.
As I sit here today contemplating everything I have been through and everything we have discussed I find it incredible that I am still here writing this blog. Most of the people that “know me” and say they care for me would never be able to tell you that I attempted suicide several times in my life. God is my source and my love for my father runs deep but at times those childhood triggers would suck me in. I wanted to end it so that the pain will finally disappear because the guilt I felt was becoming something I couldn’t control. When people think of a suicidal person the image, they see is one of darkness and unhappy post. I do not represent any of that I never have. When most people see me they get a smile and at times a joke because I aim to uplift those around me so no one feels like me. When I accepted God in my life suicide was not an option because he showed me my mission in life runs deeper than the temporary feelings of pain.
I recently opened up to my mom and told her everything that happened to me, how I felt and everything I have done; Hearing her say for the first time “I rather you speak up than I lose you because I didn’t listen” meant everything to me! When I was 16 one of my abusers reached out to my mother to speak to me. She handed me the phone and he decided to confess his undying love for me. He was in his mid-60s at the time. I was so mad at my mom for handing me the phone that day I felt she didn’t understand that he wanted to hurt me. Alcohol became my escape up until my mid-20s because like my abusers it didn't want to let me go so easily. On Monday my mom told me another one of my abusers wanted to connect with me and this time she said I am not giving him your number both the child in me and the adult finally felt heard, loved, and protected. I can finally let go!
Sexual trauma, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, bullying, and neglect runs deeper than most people think. The victims are constantly called strong and people continue to praise them without ever asking are you ok? Assumption and ignorance have caused a lot of unnecessary death simply because those victims were never able to speak up and release what has kept them in bondage. Hearing you say I cried like a baby this week and I remembered everything they did to me made me feel like this breakthrough we are both experiencing is greater than you and I. Mental and emotional health is as important as physical health. I have watched a few people live in anger because of neglect; they walk around spewing hate to someone or anyone they feel they can bully simply because they have not learned to address the deeper issues they have.
You told me it is my time to reflect, refine, and refresh. It is truly the season of resetting and becoming. You said my task for this weekend while I am away is to wake up when God prepares nature to rise the sun. I agree with you. I will wake up at 4 am and connect with him. I am like nature I will prepare to raise the light within me like nature prepares the sun.