These past few weeks we have been discussing the process of forgiving and allowing my inner child to surrender and be free. You keep reminding me how beautiful this feeling will be once I accomplish it. I will not lie I cannot wait to concur it and run with it. I promise I will never look back. I know surrendering and letting go will be a leap of faith I will take with my eyes closed and a huge smile across my face.
Without realizing it I feel like I was set up by life and I have to prove to it how much I have improved by this weekend. While I have been releasing what I feel and addressing what has kept me in bondage for so long I will now be faced with the reality of addressing it face to face. We talked during the week about relationships and how dealing with certain personality types can sometimes hinder future worthwhile relationships little did I know that will prepare me to address one relationship that still triggers something very deep within me.
I have been in unwanted bondage for 29 years but for the past 13 years, I held someone responsible who is truly not relevant in my life. I have held this deep-rooted anger with Jaelynn’s father because of his neglect of our daughter. If he was to breathe incorrectly around her, I was ready to go in attack mode because I felt she needed to be defended. I always assumed he was my trigger, but you pointed out my true trigger was Jaelynn. I have managed to overshadow her true feelings because my inner child connected with what I thought she felt versus what she really may be feeling. I realized I need to let go and let her live out her own movie and not replay my own while attempting to “protect her” that was a hard pill to swallow.
You said pause! Anytime someone says anything to me that may cause an emotional response I need to learn to pause and remember I am not God. With every story, I tell you you keep asking me to go back and forgive that child. I will be honest I hate hearing that because I feel like I have to continue to be the one to make the change and no one else needs to. You explained to me every encounter that causes a negative reaction is either a person who mirrors something I don’t like about me or something that reminds me of my trauma. You asked me, do you want to be one with God or is my reaction more important?
I looked at a picture where I was 12 years old today and in the back of the picture, I wrote. You are beautiful despite what people may say about your hair or complexion, you are not stupid or slow despite what others may think about your family dynamic, you are not a hoe because you may think that little boy is cute. You are not ghetto because you listen to certain songs and you're not unrealistic because you want to be a storyteller. Dear beautiful brown skin girl, you were born with a purpose. Your mom and dad did not purposely hurt you. Your abusers will not take your voice, your journey in where you attempted self-destruction does not define the soul you carry. It was not your fault none of it was your fault. God did not make any mistakes with you. You are not God!
Alba, This exercise was hard but I am going to be one with God!