I have been nervously anticipating this meeting. I did not want to be awkward or not well put together like I typically am. I have not been able to sleep just thinking will you think I am crazy or weird? Most people who see me on my social media see a very strong, smart, and nicely dress woman no one ever sees what lives within me. The torment, the guilt, the inability to forgive me and to truly be vulnerable. What you know of me was presented to you 15 years ago but for some reason God wanted you to see the real me.
Truth is the very first time I experience sexual intimacy I was 4 years old by a woman who was taking care of me. I wish I can say that is where that ends but unfortunately it is not. I have spent years trying to understand why I have caused all these things to happen to me and how to be less desirable, but I began to blame myself for not being strong enough. I learned early in life that someone defending me was simply not a part of my life. I needed to learn to survive and to do it well.
Today you made me feel overwhelmed; you asked me to rate 5 very important aspects of my life in a rating of 1 – 10, I would rate 10 only if I felt like I mastered it and 0 meaning I have not. I did not have a 10. I realized pretty quickly that I have only tapped into one level of forgiveness. I have parts of me that have not forgiven others or myself how is that even possible? I have done everything I thought needed to be done to be whole yet within minutes you made me realize how wrong I was. It was as if I left a fully furnished paid apartment, I locked it up and entered a new one that I can decorate instead to avoid what could be hidden in that beautifully furnished apartment.
For almost 13 years I have blamed myself for not giving my daughter the life she “deserves”. You explained the beauty of childbirth in a way I have never heard a mother explain it before. You said to me my daughter chose me to be her mother and it was up to me to discover why. You said her spirit connected with mine and that was where the spiritual realm became a physical one. We had a spiritual connection way before we had a physical one.
We ended our meeting with you asking me what was an ahh moment for me today? The ahh moment for me was for the first time in my life hearing someone say to me “IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT” “YOU DID NOT ATTRACT THAT” I have never heard those words before. I believed you and felt empowered to not continue to allow what was done to me be something I blame me for. I will no longer be crippled in a journey meant for me to stand tall.