I just wasn't ready for what this week had in store for me. This week I discovered wounds were never closed, forgiveness was required, and that my faith would be challenged. I knew that you were looking to tap deeper. I was worried about how far you would take it.
The first song you sent me caused me to crawl up like a ball and cry. The name of the song Fly Before You Fall by Cynthia Erivo. It made me think of my father; I was angry for a second because I felt I was robbed of love, and you wanted me to relive that. I can count on one hand how many times I have spent time with him. I remember how excited I was to finally live with my parents to only discover that he would beat my mother in front of us and leave us a few months later. I was 5 1/5 when he left, 10 when I hugged him praying he wouldn't let go and 15 when God called him home.
You continued to dig deeper into my soul this week. You emailed me my audio vision statement congratulating me on "finally" forgiving and living liberated. I must admit I paused it and I put it away before it continued to lie to me. I didn't feel like I can forgive yet. How can I learn to forgive myself when I am finally accepting that I need to?
I was ten years old when I failed my sister. My sister was raped. I saw it, and I did nothing to stop it. I knew how devasting this was because at this point I have had six years in of molestation experience this time by a man my mother trusted. This person who destroyed her innocence was a teenager, and the family decided to protect him and not do anything about it. We still get to see him every so often and say hello. When I was Twelve, I was almost raped by a man renting a room in my mother's apartment. He was not allowed to be home until my mother was home but that day he decided to come anyway. My sister pushed the door opened and screamed; He let go of me, and it allowed us to run. We were both able to hide in my mother's room until she came home. How is it that my sister with her mental illness can defend me but I was too much of a coward to defend her?
You asked, "what is the first thing you think about when you hear the word resentment"? all I can think about was my failed friendships and relationships. You pointed out I had a theme going. I wanted to be protected, defended, and not to be accused of something I didn't do. Right after you asked me what do I think about when I hear the word surrender. I felt small for a second. I have never surrendered; even when I got baptized at my church and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior I did not fully surrender.
You made me realized my problem is not my failed friendships, relationships, or emotional disconnect when I use it as a defense mechanism. My problem is I need to address the inner child in me and set her free. She wants to let go and surrender. Her tantrums manifest as resentment but God requires librating the inner child so that the core values that He placed in me can manifest and serve the calling He has upon me.